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Relationship Coaching The following Buddhist moral precepts directly apply to the building of healthy relationships of all kinds, especially romantic love relationships: I commit myself to give, preserve, and save life; to be generous; to be sexually responsible; to tell and love the truth; to create reconciliation, forgiveness, and friendship; to detach myself from fear and grasping; to love unconditionally. Mindfulness in a relationship is a path with heart because it requires our attention to one another without judgment, control, expectation, and all the other heartless invasions of ego. "Go to your bosom, knock there and ask your heart what it doth know." Shakespeare, Measure for Measure. Make amends for the failures where possible through specific behaviors and/or verbal apologies. Ask yourself: To what extent does your relationship help make you more morally conscious? To what extent does it allow you and your partner to revisit and repair your failures? How committed are you not to retaliate in the face of perceived injustice? Which partners in my life have appealed to my adult self? Whom do I think of when I am at my best? Which partners appealed to my needy child self? Whose face comes up when I am at my lowest ebb? Conflict responds to the use of skills and tools. Drama does not respond to these tools. Drama requires a spiritual program and a great deal of personal, shadow work. Probably the only problems we treat without drama or melodrama or a strong reaction are ones with no connection to the past. "The shapes we buried dwell about/ Familiar, in the rooms." Emily Dickinson When we find ourselves reacting strongly to our own or someone else's behavior, ask yourself: is it my shadow, my ego or early life issues? Our work is to befriend the shadow by acknowledging it as our own projections and reclaiming it as our own. When ego is driven by fear of not being accepted, by arrogance or by retaliation or entitlement, it damages us and others. Early life issues need to be explored for erroneous attitudes, beliefs, etc. They all need to brought out into the open and aired and owned. -- David Richo Relationship Coaching 1. What do singles need to be aware of to find the love of their lives and the life they love? 2. What are the tangible benefits of a committed relationship? Why bother making a commitment? (Better and more sex; companionship; longer life; better health mentally, emotionally, physically; intimacy; family systems and extended community; more successful economically; 3. What is a commitment? (A symbolic act, a conscious choice to commit, a ceremony) Can you cohabit without commitment? 4. Do you find yourself in a relationship without having talked about your expectations or vision for a life and relationship? 5. What are Pre-Committed couples? (In a relationship, exclusive, but wondering if it is "right" for me. Do I want to be committed? Can you be married and not committed? (There is a difference between fact and attitude). Do you think one of you is committed and the other is pre- committed? What do you do in this case? 6. What are the five types of couples? (Both pre-committed; one pre- committed and other is committed; both have prematurely committed; both committed in attitude and maybe in fact; both committed in fact but not in attitude). 7. When do you need to look to spiritual healing for commitment issues? 8. What are the 5 stages of relationship coaching? (Readiness coaching - Who am I? What do I want? How do I get what I want?: Coaching activities include: relationship history, personality assessment (traits, values, preferences, identification of goals and needs; develop profile of Life Partner; develop relationship plan to attract life partner) (Attraction Coaching - focus on effective dating skills and activities: where and how to meet partners; becoming ready for a committed relationship; meeting people, networking, sorting; staying on track) (Pre-Committment Coaching - helps new couples become conscious and objective about the future of their relationship: become clear about whether relationship is right for you; reality check and be accountable to what you want; develop strategies for testing and decision-making; address emotional and compatibility issues.) (Couples Coaching - helps committed couple co-create a functional life partnership: getting off to a good start; effective communication and conflict resolution skills; discovering and overcoming issues and obstacles around functional needs such as parenting, domestic responsibilities, finances; identifying and negotiating mutual wants, needs and goals.) (Bliss Coaching - helps a committed couple with functional relationship deepen their emotional intimacy, trust, love, and connection: increase authentic expression of thoughts, feelings, wants, needs; ownership of emotional reactivity; increasing mutual support, trust and safety around emotional issues and vulnerabilities and intimacy; develop skills, rituals and practices for deepening emotional physical and spiritual connection.) What Does a Relationship Coach Do? 1. Not therapy 2. Client focuses on bigger picture of future, not past 3. Shares knowledge and informatin without attachment to discover own truth 4. Assumes relationship is part of the journey, not the destination; focus on meaning, connection, long-term goals. 5. Assumes most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. 6. Does not judge relationship as right or wrong. 7. Addresses clients' sabotaging attitudes and choices without making them wrong; help client become aware of the connection between their attitudes, beliefs, interpretations, choices and consequences and to support their judgments and decisions about them in light of their vision, purpose, requirements, needs and goals. 8. Neutral about the outcome for pre-committed relationships and an advocate for committed relationships. 9. Coach always "walks the talk" by addressing continually his or her own personal relationship development, challenges and goals. 14 Compelling Reasons to Use a Relationship Coach 1. You Value Relationships Highly You recognize that building fulfilling relationships is a priority; you realize that your success and quality of life id directly connected to the quality of your relationships. 2. You are Committed to Success Serious and intentional about having a fulfilling life partnership, family, business and community. 3. You Want Results Coaches can move you faster and farther than you can on your own. 4. You are Willing to Learn You know you don't know everything and that your future success depends upon access to new relationships and knowledge. 5. You are Ready for Action Coaches translate knowledge into practice 6. You are Open to Mentoring/Support Coaches help you use relationships to evolve and develop relationship skills critical to business and personal fulfillment. Self- discovery, learning about relationships need mentoring. 7. You Want Fulfillment Don't want to settle for less or risk preventable failure. Willing to give yourself the gift of support to be successful. 8. You Want to be True to Yourself Coaches keep you honest with yourself, help neutralize tendencies to settle for less and provide good reality checks. 9. You Want to be Proactive Coaches help to solve problems while they are still small. 10. You Want to go Beyond your Limits Helps you set highest vision beyond fears and limitations, overcoming obstacles and challenges. 11. You Want to Take Responsibility Coaches help you take responsibility for the quality of your relationships so they are what you want. 12. You Want to Live Authentically Stay on your highest path, tell your truth, make the best choices for you. Helps you identify and lived the life you want. 13. You Want Balance in Your Life Life is full of choices and opportunities you must create balance and maintain in it your life and relationships. 14. You Want New Possibilities for Your Relationships A healthy relationship is dynamic and growing. One of the worst things you can do is take the relationship for granted. Coaches help you continually discover new possibilities for your life and relationships. TEN PRINCIPLES OF CONSCIOUS DATING 1. Know who you are and what you want; what are the non-negotiables; what are your temperaments, strengths, weaknesses. Sharpen the clarity of your vision, relationships requirements. 2. Learn How to Get What You Want; be conscious of your attitudes and choose them carefully. Develop strategies. 3. Be the Chooser; Take initiative and responsibility for your outcomes. Don't react to what or who chooses you. Seek to create what you want in your life. Don't limit yourself. Assume abundance. 4. Balance Your Heart with Your Head; Is it chemistry or common sense? Make relationship choices consciously, with your vision, values, goals and requirements in mind as well as chemistry and attraction. 5. Be Ready and Available for Commitment; If you are not ready for commitment, stay single, focus on life and date nonexclusively for fun. If you are ready for commitment, stay available, don't settle; scout, sort, screen and test potential partners. 6. Use the Law of Attraction What is on the inside will manifest on the outside. Attract the partner you want by developing yourself and living the life you want. If you ask God for help, be ready to accept what you are given. You are powerful. You will attract what you ask for whether you are ready for it or not! 7. Gain Relationship Knowledge and Skills Prepare for love by learning about relationships and improving your skills. Take emotional risks. Read about relationships. Take classes. Go to workshops. 8. Create a Support Community Don't stay isolated. Fill your life with love and connection to build a network. 9. Practice Assertiveness To get what you want, be ready to say what you don't want. Take care of relationships by learning to identify and enforce your boundaries. 10. Be a Successful Single Don't put your life on hold while you are waiting for the relationship to happen. Be happy and successful while living fully and letting go of your need for attachment to future outcomes. DATING TRAPS 1. Marketing Trap Make sure the "sizzle" matches the "steak"... 2. Scarcity Trap Don't believe their is a limited number of partners...this leads you to settle for less. 3. Compatibility Assuming that if you have fun together and get along well, you are compatible and that a committed relationship will work. Results in failure when discovering the vast difference between a fun-focused, recreational "dating" relationship and a serious long-term "committed relationship." 4. Fairytale Trap Believing soul mate will just appear magically. Frogs don't often become princes. 5. Date-to-Mate Becoming an "instant couple" as if each person you date is given an extensive test drive. Believing that is you develop an exclusive relationship with someone you are dating, a successful committed relationship will eventually happen. Other terms are "serial monogamy" and the "mini-marriage." This approach is costly and time consuming because their is too much pressure to make the relationship work, fit the round peg in the square hole because being single again is too difficult or painful to think about. 6. Attraction Trap Making choices on feelings of attraction. Interpreting a strong attraction to someone as a sign that the relationship is a good choice and "meant to be." This approach results in failure when unsolvable problems surface because you ignored red flags while infatuated. Unconscious choices usually result in repeating unproductive past patterns. 7. Love Trap Interpreting infatuation, attraction, need, good sex, and/or attachment as Love. Love is not ever enough to meet all your needs. 8. Rescue Trap Hoping the relationship will solve the emotional and financial needs you have, bring your fulfillment, avoid life challenges. This leads to desperation, neediness and relationship failure. 9. Codependent Trap Expecting someone to give you love by giving them what they want. Attempting to earn love and happiness by acquiescing, giving, helping. 10. Entitlement Trap Believing you deserved to get what you want without making any changes. 11. Virtual Reality Trap Making hasty long-term decisions on short-term impressions. 12. Lone Ranger Trap Believing you don't need anyone's help in finding your life partner. You evaluate people you meet for their relationship potential and do not take the opportunity to cultivate new friends. Results in isolation and settling for less than you want.
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